sometimes i wish i had a suit that i could put on and it would look like i was wrapped up in duct tape. that way when kids come to the door selling stuff i could say 'sorry i'm really not interested'. some kids don't take no for an answer but it's hard to argue with a man wrapped in duct tape.

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hand gliding looks like fun but that's easy for me to say because i have hands.

i like that bob marley song 'no woman no cry'. i think it's about robot vacuums.

there are tides
that wash in
the scars of the sea.

there are thoughts
that reflect
the scars of the soul.

there are bears
that eat campers.

I had this really deep moment the other day while walking on the beach. I picked up this rock. It was a really beautiful rock with cool colors. It was really smooth and shiny probably from rolling around the ocean floor for hundreds of thousands of years. There's something to be said about holding something that will exist thousands and thousands of years after I die. There's also something to be said about using that same rock to accidentally kill a seagull in front of a family of 6.

kids and kites. it's the name of my book. it used to be called 'small kids and big kites' and then that one kid flew away and we had to change it.

sure deforestation is bad but it could be worse. imagine if elephants used toilet paper.

they say that inside our vacuum cleaners live millions and millions of tiny insects. sometimes when i get bored i like to go up to the vacuum cleaner and give them the weather forecast by yelling into the tube. it's usually the same thing - sunday very very windy.

i feel bad for the people on candid camera. especially the ones that they pretend to give a job to and then make it so that they fuck up the job. i always feel bad cause i imagine that they are poor and they need the money. maybe they've been looking for a job for months and then they get one only to be made an ass of on national television. i feel bad for these people but not so bad that i don't think it would be funny if they got eaten by a crocodile.

i wonder what it would be like to have no toes. how would you whistle?

this morning i offered my daughter some cheese. 'cheese?' i asked her. 'nooooo' she screamed back. 'are you sure you don't want any cheese?' i asked her again. 'noooooo' she screamed. this time louder than the last. about 3 minutes later she started asking for cheese and when i gave a piece to her she starting eating it and smiling.
'very good' i told her. 'this is a life lesson'. 'you may think you hate someone or something but once you give it some thought you realize you don't hate them and then you eat them'.

i was raised by psychopaths. a favourite childhood song was 'how much is that window in the doggy?'

i like the little tiny holes that they have in ritz crackers. sometimes its' fun to build a big wall of ritz crackers and hide behind it so when your spouse comes home they can't find you and they say 'jesus fucking christ doesn't he ever do anything around here. look at that giant fucking wall of ritz crackers that he left in the middle of room'. then you can jump out and surprise your wife. i guess the only downside is that you end up in some weird urban legend parallel universe and when you jump out your wife and your dog and enjoying a jar of peanut butter. maybe that's where the holes come in so when you see her walk into the room with the dog and the peanut butter you can jump out and give her a heart attack. hey it's better to have a dead wife than one that likes to get eaten out by a german shepherd.

i like it when i work really hard and people say 'wow you work like a machine'. not only does it make me feel proud but it also reassures me that if i met a machine at some cocktail party that we would have something to talk about.

i always like the way people act in air freshener commercials. I like the way that they take deep whiffs of the smell and then follow it with a smile of content. that's why i like to record air freshener commercials and watch them when i have really bad gas and pretend that the people on the tape are a tribe of people that really love farts and i am their leader.