i think dyslexic magicians would be cool. except for the ones that would make funny shaped balloons out of animals.

Previous Entry

there something amazing about laying out in the backyard late at night staring at the stars and pondering about the universe. i like to look at each star and wonder if there are planets out there with other lifeforms and what they might taste like.

i think 'Legless in Seattle' would be a good name for amputee porn.

i had this dream that i was this old asian dude that went blind. i was given a seeing eye dog and battled daily with my urge to eat it. over time i learned that the dog was there to help me, guide me and protect me. i learned to love the dog and decided that eating it would be wrong. instead we got married. it was the worlds first homosexual canine wedding ceremony. stevie wonder sang at it and bob barker married us. he reminded the wedding party to have their pets spayed or neutered. we went to hawaii for our honeymoon and guest starred on dog the bounty hunter. dog said that he wasn't homophobic even though he called me a faggoty dog fucker while he permed his hair and beth lacquered his hair feather with the grease from my monstrous cleavage.
it was the oddest of dreams and i felt bad about it for most of the day. i felt like i had betrayed my wife and daughter. i should have just ate the fucking dog with a nice satay sauce.

there's something about being in nature looking at all of the trees, the animals and the lack of people that really makes you feel like you could get away with it.

sometimes when i see an airplane in the sky i like to wave at it. i often hope that the passengers see me and they say to each other 'look at that man waving. this is a such a nice city'. i think it's nice to let people know that your city is safe because it makes it easier to steal their luggage at the airport.

this summer I am going to take my daughter out to the country and look at stars. i'm sure she will have lots of questions like 'what is a star', 'how many star are in the sky 'or 'why did you drive over that dog'.

it reminds me of that age old question. Are there any black amish?

I hate the waiting room at the doctors office or hospital. Whenever I'm there i like to try to guess what's wrong with everyone. I was at the hospital this week and these are my notes.

Old lady - cataracts or just looking to talk to someone about her cat
Old man in corner with large obvious balls - ball pain and looking to get his balls fondled by a young asian nurse.
Young gay looking guy - hamster issues or just checking in on the status of his hypochondria. Worried about his hypochondria. Inquiring about hair removal services.
Younger looking girl - looking to marry a doctor. Vaginal discharge or severe razor burn. Hasn't taken a shit in 2 weeks.
Guy with long hair that looks like a serial killer - just there to see people die or steal eye balls.
Older man with brown pants that keeps pacing up and down the hallway - he walks because the voices tell him to walk. If he stops the voices will kill him. He hates the hum of the vending machine and contemplates kicking the glass every time he walks by them.
Lady with screaming kids - probably some sort of complete mental breakdown. She broke the tv earlier in the day when she smashed a glass against it because her kid had spilled orange juice over her collectors copy of Cosmo featuring Burt Reynolds and his hairy penis in the centerfold.
Middle aged Asian guy - his elbow hurts from golf and by golf he means whipping the 4 Geishas that are locked in his basement.
Guy that looks like Denzel Washington - sick of people saying that he looks like Denzel Washington. Feels rage building up inside of him. Looking to find a large white chick that is there to get her diabetes looked at.

i hate the waiting room. It brings out the worst in people.

should I be proud that when I asked my daughter what the tweezer things in her toy Doctor's kit were for she answered 'to remove the eyes'.

i'm sure there's no lack of food at cannibal funerals or a need for a coffin.

i think it's important to ask questions when someone tells you that you have a drinking problem. like why are these people in the park at 5am.

i like it when my cat runs around the house all crazy. it reminds me why animals are so precious and why we should keep them to entertain us.

sometimes when i see a bug in the house i like to pick it up with a piece of paper and throw it outside. i always wonder what the bug is thinking 'hey i'm on the floor' what a minute i'm in the air flying on paper. oh now i'm on fire'.
sorry did I leave that part out.

I think a cool application for the I-phone would be one that finds public toilets. you could call it i-bog